Just the facts, ma’am

Posted in zero thoughts by moyism on April 2nd, 2006

The absolute truths of Mai-Otome, an off-shoot attempt to parody the Chuck Norris Facts website. The first half of an episode by episode list of true facts in the world of Mai-Otome.

Just as Arika’s grandmother has always said, “moyism is always right.” And you know if Arika’s grandmother said it, it must be true!

Episode 1: Dreaming Arika
1. It is not true Rena stole the idea of sending a baby down a river for safety from the story of Moses. It is the story of Moses that stole the idea from Rena to send a baby down a river for safety.
2. Being an Otome means FREE FOOD from strangers.
3. The best way to hit on girls is always to call them nicknames.
4. Being a princess does not necessarily mean having superhuman like powers.
5. The more uglier the fashion, the higher in social status you are.
6. Swimming in the sewers takes 10 years off of your life.
7. Whoever created the Slaves was a man compensating for his ‘tool’.
8. A ride pimped out by West Coast Customs and Xzibit allows you to break traffic laws.
9. Keroro was the creator of the Otome’s Robes.
10. Only Shizuru could make wearing anything, including a paper bag, look hot.

Episode 2: Gust of Wind that Blows through the Eden of the Otome!?
1. No living organism alive can withstand Shizuru’s charms.
2. A princess’ entrouge must consist of at least a fat cat and loyal maid.
3. As a child, Arika has watched all of Marilyn Monroe’s movies.
4. Shiho will always be the comedy relief. period.
5. The best way to obtain a harem is to wear only a bedsheet showing off your goods. In no time you will have 10+ girls chasing you.
6. All teachers must have excellent hand-eye coordination as Chalk-Fu 101 must be passed before getting one’s teaching certificate.
7. The world is not controlled by logical like minded individuals; only those under the age of 18 truly control the world.

Episode 3: First Experience
1. Reverse psychology was an optional course that Mashiro forgot to take when becoming a potential ruler of a nation.
2. Suspicious people do not wear coaks to hide their faces.
3. Potential father-con starts at a young age. Do not let non-blood related daughters near any photo albums or personal belongings.
4. Sergey would later start the Disney company and become a millionaire after seeing Arika being friendly with woodland creatures.
5. The (alternative) future may have ugly fashion sense, but at least they watch TV in style.
6. You are not a member of the aristocrats unless you have a mustache.
7. An Otome battle is just like Street Fighter II: the more you spam, the higher chance for victory.

Episode 4: Flaming Transfer Student
1. Throwing out anicent artifacts for Haruka is like throwing the trash; the job gets done.
2. Technicalities equal “TEH WIN”.
3. Just like Arika’s grandmother, if Haruka says it’s true then it must be.
4. The creator of the nanomachines must have been a man-hating female. Who probably got dumped by her boyfriends. Constantly.
5. The founders of Garderobe were yuri fans to the extreme. MariMite was their basis for the academy.
6. Even Chuck Norris would have to Roundhouse Kick Nao for the sailor/clown fashion.

Episode 5: The Academy, the Uniform, and Me
1. In reality, Shizuru, Natsuki, and Miss Maria run Backstage as a side business. They don’t get paid enough as Otomes gosh darn it!
2. There are only two things in the known world that Shiho backs down to: Miss Maria and Tate Yuuchi.
3. Akane’s great great great great great grandmother was Belldandy.
4. If your favorite hiding spot is a tree, someone will kick it out of frustration.
5. Apparently if you get screwed in Mai-HiME, they try to pay you off with a new car. Kazuya was one such person.
6. Kazuya may have said going to Backstage was a first, but we all know he has already brought all Akane related merchandise from there.
7. Any self respecting gang would not follow Nao’s gang’s fashion sense. Unless they want Chuck Norris to Roundhouse Kick their arses.
8. Any male within 10 feet of Sergei will be able to score with any and all women. Thus also known as the “Sergei Macking Zone”.
9. Irina’s solution to the mystery of Arika’s uniform forgot to include the fact Professor Plum did it in the Library with a Lead Pipe.
10. Miya would make a horrible accomplice to a murder crime.

Episode 6: Nina gets Wrapped
1. Tickling Nina a day keeps the doctor away means your death is pending.
2. Thanks to Shiho, the House of Caldea would later become the world’s leader in adult sexual toys and entertainment.
3. The creator of Garderobe’s swimsuits kept in mind the idea of “easy access” as depicted by Erstin.
4. Phallic-like monsters will forever plague female kind.
5. CPR in the world of Mai-Otome involves a tender loving kiss followed by a movie and dinner.
6. Who needs weapons like a nuclear bomb when you have the power of an Meister Otome like Shizuru with Rank EX bosoms.
7. Pissing off Nina does not just mean simple death. It means a Chuck Norris-like Roundhouse Kick to the balls!
8. Sugar does not equal salt, but sugar does equal a lot of tongue foreplay.

Episode 7: The Blue Dance / Oath of the Maiden
1. Windbloom has recently been rated as having one of the Top 10 worst staff. Ironically enough, Aoi Senoh the head maid of Windbloom Castle has be rated as the #1 maid throughout the nations for five years running.
2. Nagi is Sergei’s #1 student in the School of Wong Pimping.
3. Every castle must have at least one hidden passage leading to an underground base or ruins. Otherwise you’ll be the laughing stock of your peers.
4. Wizard of Oz happens to be Mikoto’s favorite movie BTW.
5. The Harmonium used to be a prop on the Gravion set.
6. Convenient plot devices will always be within 10 feet of the main characters.
7. The secret of how Santa Claus visits Fuuka Castle has been revealed! Secret passages! That sly devil.

Episode 8: Destiny’s Yoke
1. Irina’s “Cleaing-kun, v1″ didn’t break down because of her inability to build it. Chuck Norris just happened to Roundhouse Kick the machine beforehand.
2. Two of Shizuru’s abilities include the following: Yuri Pheromones and Stare of Truth (an off-shoot of Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth).
3. All true mysterious characters must wear dark color tones and a wide brim hat.
4. Arika’s grandmother used to be the famous Kaitou Jeanne back in her younger days.
5. There is only one absolute truth in the world: Hawaiian T-shirts never go out of style.
6. Nao is no Keymaker. If she was Chuck Norris however, she could have just Roundhouse Kicked the databank to work.
7. Irina would years later go re-invent bungee jumping and become a millionaire; ironically enough the same invention would later lead to her death after a mishap during Windbloom’s 30th Annual Nationwide Sports Festival.

Episode 9: Ocean - Swimsuit + Distress = ?
1. In Garderobe, field trips for students do not mean fun in the sun. They mean child labor.
2. In Garderobe, field trips for staff do mean fun in the sun.
3. It is a law in Airies that all females above the age of 21 must wear swimsuits if they are near a body of water.
4. All heterosexual males innately understand the fundamentals of the female body.
5. Arika’s great ancestor happens to be Akane Tendou.
6. Special mushrooms will always be special mushrooms.
7. Erstin is Sergei’s #2 student in the School of Wong Pimping.
8. Airies never should hire security from Windbloom; first Windbloom gets invaded years ago and now Airies hidden base is broken into!

Episode 10: That’s the Great Crisis of a Maiden
1. Sergei’s Female-in-Distress Senses (TM) never fails. Even Chuck Norris would be proud.
2. Apparently elementary acting skills like Tomoe are what they consider “top grade”.
3. Only two people in the world could survive a hands on fight against a Slave: Chuck Norris and Sergei Wong.
4. Shizuru believes in the tough love approach when the students don’t listen to her.
5. Every man has a weakness, in the case of Sergei it is underaged girls that remind him of his first love.
6. Unknown to the public, Garderobe offers a course in Super Hero Posing. Haruka, Natsuki, Shizuru, and Arika are just a few who have already taken the course.
7. Midori and her group would later become wealthy after they sold the copyrights to their life stories also creating Windbloom’s first ever Sentai TV series.

Episode 11: HAPPY BIRTHDAY
1. Arika is part blood hound.
2. Shizuru and Natsuki watch Gundam SEED and Gundam SEED Destiny way too much.
3. Always read the English. Even if the Japanese says less.
4. The most honest country in the world is Windbloom, where they couldn’t lie to get themselves out of a paper bag.
5. The only thing that can outrun a nano-machine enhanced otome? A five year old girl.
6. Sunglasses will always disguise one’s true identity… even if you have the only unqiue hair color in the entire country.
7. Cats cannot beat crows. Yet.
8. Helpful strangers will always drag you to some deep dark alley.
9. Sergei always keeps tab on his harem-in-making. No one messes with Sergei Wong’s property!

Episode 12: Masked Ball Party
1. Ridiculous plans always work.
2. All royalty under the age of 20 will at one point “go on a journey” and become a commoner.
3. Reality is a bitch.
4. Takumi is Sergei’s #4 student in the School of Wong Pimping.
5. Ridiculous plans always work… unless Shizuru is involved. Then you just have to pray she doesn’t find out you’re crossdressing.
6. Akane is always fun to tease. always.
7. Yuri is fine but yaoi (or Boys Love) still seems to shock the masses.
8. Takumi’s real reason in visiting Garderobe wasn’t because he was looking for Mai or has issues with the school’s policies. He was simply scouting out for potential add-ons to his growing harem. The School of Wong Pimp dictates one must have at least three non-blood related relatives in one’s harem.

Episode 13: In the Akane Colored Sky
1. Natsuki has her addiction to mayo while Nina has her addiction to tabasco sauce. What is it with blue haired beauties and their addiction to various condiments!
2. Kazuya is a man among men for blue balling himself for the sake of Akane.
3. Being a doctor has it’s perks, like making fun of a student’s first love.
4. Loving a man is more trouble than its worth. Lesbianism all the way!
5. Nao actually takes great pleasure in being everyone’s “go to” woman.
6. Akane calling you does not mean a booty call.
7. Shizuru’s answer to anything is a hug and kiss.
8. Where as Akane had trouble defeating a Slave, Chuck Norris would just stare at it and it’d Roundhouse Kick itself to death.
9. Sniper > Slave > Otome?
10. Kazuya chose the cheesy way to save Akane. Chuck Norris would need no such thing to save his woman. A Roundhouse Kick to the face solves all problems.
11. If Sergei doesn’t consciously keep his pheromones in check, anything female will want to bare his children.

Expect the second half next week! Also no Chuck Norrises were hurt in the making of this post.